For many African American women that I know; we grew up without our fathers. As Mother's day is approaching and I fight the urge to be sad. I realize how blessed I am. No; my mother is not here with me any longer but my Daddy is.
As a child; I drove my mother crazy looking for my Daddy. I've always had an investigative mind and would always seem to be able to track him down. It wasn't until I was about 11 or 12 years old that I could no longer find him. Then, I started checking the obituary section of the news papers to make sure he wasn't dead. I remember praying for God to keep him safe and even begging God to show me where to look. God never failed me in my requests either. For, I didn't have to look. We would be traveling in the car with my Mother and who would we see walking down the street or standing on the corner drinking from a brown paper bag; my DADDY! I would be so angry at him and my Mother. Him for being an addict and my Mother for speeding up so that I couldn't jump out the car to tell him about himself!
You see, I was always a Daddy's girl and was proud of it! It wasn't my intention to make my stepfathers feel unwanted but I had a Daddy and I wasn't calling nobody else Daddy but my own Daddy! hmmphf!
I'll never forget my 16th birthday. I stepped outside the side entrance of Kenwood high school to walk across the street to restaurant Sea Fruit for lunch and who do I see; standing off to the side looking all sheepish? My Daddy! I didn't know if I wanted to hug him or curse his a*** out for making me worry. It wasn't until my high school graduation that I finally told my mother; I was secretly spending time with him. I just didn't want anybody to call me stupid again for always looking for him. She was so angry; not because of me and my father's secret. But because I had given him a ticket to my high school graduation and her husband; my second step father announced he wasn't attending. Not if "that" n**** was coming; that is. And of course; me with my smart mouth, told him to stay his illiterate a*** at home then. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh That outburst was the beginning of the dissension that he used to break me and my mother's bond. Only; my step father didn't know; I've never been one to give up on anything. Especially my parents; as crazy as they both were. I was their rock!
Well, here I am excited that my Daddy will be celebrating 19 years of sobriety this year. When my son was 5 years old; he sat next to me at my Daddy's college graduation from Roosevelt University. I was so proud of my Daddy on that day! It wasn't until my mother made her transition that I realized; God had answered my prayers. From the day that she took her last breath until the day she was buried; my Daddy catered to my every emotional need!
Today, he's helping me to overcome my abandonment issues. Sometimes I get angry because he treats me like I'm still a little girl. And most times; I overstand that it's the little girl in me that needed the attention and nurturing the most! His wife teases me and calls me his first wife so I'm gonna be nice this year. He and I will have dinner the Sunday before Mother's Day and he can pamper his wife on Mother's Day. But she already knows; Father's Day belongs to ME! LMBO! (I know; I'm a brat) But, thanks to my Daddy, I'm not afraid to love anymore. One thing I do know for sure; If I hadn't forgiven my father, I would have deprived my son of the great relationship that he and his grand father share!
"She prayed for God to heal her heart yet her heart would not release the anger and bitterness that held her mind captive in a state of darkness"................
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