LOVE IN THE TRUTH

Out of necessity, and for the survival of our race as a whole. The black woman has had to carry on her shoulders, and through her womb; the burden of male female energy in the physical realm. However, in the spiritual realm her position as woman; was reconstructed by the oppressor. The strength that we once needed to survive as a race, has no place in this season of God correcting His people. Thu...s making the black woman's strength, her weakness; and she'll only ascend into her correct position, after descending to the darkest place in her soul......LOVE IN THE TRUTH.

There are layers upon layers, that we collectively must be committed to working through, in order to press through to the other side of, Love in the truth..................

I believe in justice, I believe in armies to protect a nation from distruction. But what haunts my dreams; are the strategies to destroy my brother and our family. In the 50's and the 60's; if a man didn't know how to hustle, he couldn't provide for his family. Because after being tricked into fighting in wars; coming home to the family he left behind, he was told by the oppressor, this isn't your family anymore and your woman is now mine. My sisters will argue my case; and say how weak and low-down the black man is. But if she knew the root of his pain; the very root of her womb, she'd humble herself and pray. My brother was told not to worry about his family, as he went off to war to fight for this nation. Public housing and welfare then became her man. Returning home, torn and tattered, from all the blood on his hands. Every door; by design, closed in his face and the jobs promised to him upon his return, didnot manifest. So imagine; after being tricked to fight a war for a country that once held you in chains. Being told, if you live in the "public housing' with your family, we will no longer give her housing or feed your kids. So, momma died from a broken heart as the children grew into bitter angry hearts that keep re-producing themselves; over and over again. It breaks my heart to hear my sister say in one breath; that she's conscious of the struggle and plot against the black man. And in the second breath; tear him to shreds, because he's not the 'reality tv" man she's programmed to demand. It's disheartening to my soul; that my brother's pain runs so deep and has rooted down to his core, that to touch him in love, you'll hear cries of agony, from the hundreds of years of infection. Infection that's rooted in his core. It's the hate, that hate created, reaking havoc in his soul, reproducing itself through her womb. A man's mind is raised to the level of which the women that he associates with. It's the nature of her womb, that has him vibrating at such low frequencies. She has been elevated by way of her womb, in a society that only celebrates her conformity to the "jezebel" existance. He has been lowered by his lower man; confused by the nature of her "jezebel" heart. And the cycle continues. Jezebel, will await his arrival, meet all of his desires; sending her army of "spiritual hell raises" attached to every fiber of his garments, that rested on her bed-post, into his home. Yes, he has the responsibility to excercise some discipline; but as a woman, she is charged by God to never offer herself to a married man, or accept his offers of affections. But she won't, and he won't; because this is the hate, that hate has created........Her hatred of herself; will cause her to hate his wife. She'll hate his wife because he loves his wife. She'll make it her business to inform his wife; of their indiscretions.

See, the media did a hell of a job on the conscience of the "liberated" woman. Her freedom became un-disciplined and she evolved into a "sexually" liberated woman. She's been programmed to act like a "whore" think like a whore and by all means to dress like a whore. She's been programmed to program men, to desire a whore. From her womb, she gave birth to sons, then raised them in an environment of "jezebel" spirits and natures. Because of her "freedom" she allowed other women to dog the very nature and soul of a man into the ground; in front of her sons. Giving her "soul" sisters high fives at the deffamation of the man's character, reinforcing the oppressors implantation into her son's heart and mind, that he's nothing. Why would her son grow to respect women, when momma has no respect for herself? This un-disciplined freedom; has convinced my sisters, that it's ok for Tom, Dick and Harry to come in and out of her bedroom, in larger rotation than the christmas sale at Macy's, as long as the bills get paid. One Pastor called women like this, utility hoes. Placing the woman's vibrations at such low altitudes has given birth to this angry, no-respect having generation. But how can a woman only offer a man her naked/half-naked tail, and expect for him to think above his own tail? I teach my own man-child this: If you put a "whore" on a queen's throne, I'm gone need for you to not get angry or feel deceived, when you realize that there's a whore on the throne in your palace. My granddaddy taught us that you can't turn a whore into a housewife, you'll just have a whore in the house. Since when have sisters been ok with being a "whore" outside of the marital bedroom?

In this season, God is really correcting His people. Spiritually we have been displaced from the true source, and all believers are now being awakened. Who we as women needed to be from free slaves, civil rights leading to today; is not who God can use in the true divine order of our creation. Whether a man called by god has a woman or not; with the woman of god in her correct position, he'll only be elevated to a higher calling, purpose and level of service. The Holy Spirit is guiding us all, it's truely time for us to ascend above and beyond the limits the oppressor placed over our ears, eyes and heart........Correction will keep many from losing their minds when the light of truth can no longer be jaded........As a man thinketh in his heart......so is he.

See, removing our physical perceptions from the flesh and focusing on the works and powerful moves of God. Women were always the protector, the see-er and the visual receiver for instructions that protected the man of god's heart and mind. This weekend, I went to the darkest place in my soul. A childhood recurring dream received clarity. Pharoah's own sister hid Moses in Pharoah's house..........The language of the oppressor has the signals crossed. We are not empowered by man/woman we are ascending to our right position. The position designed for our purpose.......Because we are convinced that we don't need a man for anything, we have assisted the oppressor in the degrading of the black man. A man's mind is raised to the level of which the women that he associates with. Degrees and Pedigrees donot mean you are intelligent, you memorized well.........He can't see details clearly because he's the analytical thinker, we are connected to nature and sky. This is why the enemy worked so deligently to make black women the most neglected, disrespected and un-protected women on the planet. After diobolically; castrating, effeminizing, and ripping the black man from our home. The oppressor came in to save the day. He educated her, and gave her a good job, to make sure that she would remain faithful to him. As he turned her men into "free-will" slaves (prisoners).

The cold bitter TRUTH is that in this season, God IS correcting His people. Watch the signs. We have approached the threshold of the Holy war of all wars. There is absolutely no way "WE" as a people can survive without each other. It was love that was stripped from us, and love that is causing our ascention to a higher frequency that connects us directly to the "TRUE" souce. And what the oppressor is keeping you blind to; is the fact that what it has stolen from you is YOUR god. The God of all creation, which is the Truth in love...........

Change brings correction.............

In this season, God is correcting His people. Many people donot know how to clearly articulate their thoughts and feelings. Most often it's best to listen and watch more than you speak. They will eventually show you how and what they think and feel. Our community would thrive holistically if something as simple as honest communication were the governing factor. I'm becoming convinced that there are many that just don't have much on their minds no matter how much you try to communicate.
You may even see their great potential, but if they don't see it themselves......
You may even want what's best for them, but if they don't want it for themselves..........

So many people confuse potential with desire. I may desire for you that which I desire for myself; but if your own personal desires for yourself have no 'flame', you could wipe out my flame. Simply because of the pouring it would take to maintain communication with someone who has little desire. Retreating and holding every thought in your mind can sometimes send the negative thoughts into overload. A simple touch can sometimes shed light and bring peace to the soul. We've all been hurt or betrayed, at one point in our lives. When we allow the bad experiences from the past, to govern our future by allowing it to exist in the 'now', we are giving the past hurt power in the 'now.' We can't control what others do to us, but we do control how we allow it to affect us. We are responsible for our own thoughts and the situations that our thoughts create.....

We often desire what we visualize in our minds but allow the struggles to distract and, sometimes lessen our faith. But in order for us to evolve into what it is we see, we need the struggles in order to exercise our walk in faith. If it's your desire and of 'value' in your purpose, struggle is the price you pay. Every new level brings either birthing or growing pains. Society has conditioned us to 'think' without thinking, meaning that we think before we 'hear.' I've learned to be very careful of the seeds of wisdom that others energy sends in my direction. For me; if the word that's spoken through me, is not worked inside of me, I can't properly process and regurgitate that which the purpose of my words require. Spiritual warfare is such a broad dimension; yet we've been conditioned to only focus on self. Not the 'self' inside that radiates outward, but the 'surface' self whose selfish nature cannot hear the 'truth' inner voice. Again, in this season God is correcting His people. The famous statement of insanity applies even deeper in spiritual application. If you keep seeing, not hearing but doing as you always do spiritually, you will not change the results...............

Prayer changes things inside of us, we change things outside of us. Remove the 'mountain' from your mind and the mountains around you will crumble.

What Comes out of the Womb

There is an angry generation of youth roaming these urban streets. Their anger and bitterness was seeded, processed and developed in the "womb." By the time my son was 14; he had done any and everything but come right out and ask me to kill his tail! And on a few occasions, I was very much tempted to take him out of his misery. Today, we sit and laugh about those times as I share with him the reasons that my "own" mother threatened to take me out of MY misery. It would be easy and justified, to blame his absent father on many of the occasions. However, only "I" am the influence that raised him; which was a blessing in disguise. Nope, I never received a dollar in child support. At age 6 his father brought me $200. on his way to the airport; headed to ATL to get his life 'straight'. Was I angry about no financial support? NOPE. Was I angry about his absence? NOPE. How could I be angry, when I put the cart before the horse and got pregnant before marriage? How could I be bitter about his absence when he never kept a job? How could I be angry about him not spending time with my son when every time he went into drug re-hab; not many days passed before he was getting high again? The things I've mentioned are not to 'dog' his father, but rather to open some of these angry bitter women's eyes.

First of all, suing for child support also brings visitation rights by law. Now, what would I do if my child grew into an angry young man whose father's example he followed? My heart would have broken if my child had turned into a 'petty' street hustler that got hooked on his own product. Because had his father been given access to his mind; my child would be a thug! ~realtalk~ My genetic make-up combined with his father's genetic make-up is the very reason at age 21 my foot is still up his tail! Instead of being angry and bitter with the happenings; seek God for the reasons of the 'happenings'.

There is no need to 'dog' the father to the child or encourage the child to curse themselves by disrespecting the father. My son and I are living witnesses that the 'source' provides all of your needs whether you deserve it or not. What I have always taught and encouraged my son was to pray for his father. See him even if you don't want to. You never want him to leave this earth and your last memory being NOT seeing him the last time that he tried.




During my 3rd month of pregnancy; I embraced the fact that I would be a single mother. Being an artist that loves all music; my clients enjoyed smooth jazz as I worked from home. The blessing was being able to cook all of my meals and schedule my naps lmbo! When my son was about 13, he surprised me and sang "Unforgettable" in a school talent show. I thank God for giving me the wisdom to embrace beautiful music and great books instead of being a pregnant bitter woman.

What is your thought process?

So many people fear love because of past broken hearts. Sending me into my wilderness was watching my daughter take her last breath after birthing her home alone. The man I loved with my heart and soul couldn't take me to the hospital because he was someplace "sexing" my friend. Birthing through the wilderness, darkness gave me comfort as I began to grow into the light. 10yrs later I finally feel free to love. The past will not control my future. If I can love again, anybody can. Trust and see, it's a beautiful space to be in love with self again!

Some of us have a sense of pride that forces us into this place; our pride won't even allow us to admit to ourselves that correction is needed. Some of us have lived in a certain state of mind that has passed down from generation to generation; and they don't believe that there's anything wrong with their thinking process. As I've been challenged on more than one occasion because of my labeling folks as "scripture quoter's"; it is proven through lack of submission that I'm basically on point.
(i.e. Ro. 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...............) How many times have you heard someone quote this scripture? I've heard it so many times I could scream! Especially when it comes out of the mouth of a person that continues to do the same thing, the same way; only adding a new scripture along the way.

There's a place in the love center of our brains that remains in darkness until we go inside and breathe light(truth). Each day in my own meditations, I'm exposed to yet another dark corner that has not been exposed to light. Considering the power and total capacity of the entire brain, this no longer surprises me. Why not? Because I over stand that I am a genetic being evolved from ancestors that made it to this place through the trans-Atlantic slave trade. Even the pain from relationships in just the past 5 years have a in-direct connection to one of my ancestors. My mind sometimes thinks very deep, so I'll get back to my train of thought.

As human beings, we are designed to be forever evolving, inside out. From the organs inside of our body's to the hair, skin and nails outside of our bodies. This process involves constant purging. Unless your life has been peaches and cream from the time you exited the birth canal, to where you stand as an adult today. There will be many times and opportunities for you to purge and renew your mind. The key is not to fight the process. Embrace it freely and celebrate the ugliest and most painful energies that come to the surface. This allows correction and restoration to the mind and heart. Hiding in the midst of denial only pushes those issues deeper into the darkness of the love center in your brain. If the power of love is shadowed or even covered with the darkness of our issues; even our words of love will be diluted and will give the tell-tell signs.

The first revelation I received walking into my wilderness was that I had been taught a boat load of lies while living in the midst of a boat load of hypocrites. This brought me my first and most powerful breakthrough into accepting the light. I was shown that the truth would visit me in the wee hours of the night; slicing and dicing through my heart; removing lies, filth and sorrow. After all, if a building burns down, we must clean the trash and rubble before we can build again. Today I challenge you; when the "trash and rubble" from life begin to breakthrough, don't fight to keep it or pick it up to re-install it. Sift through thoroughly in a determined, focused search for the lessons, blessings and those things that can be corrected and restored and let the rest of the garbage go!

Something Different

To live like never before, I realized I had to "do" things like never before. It's not enough to put a band-aid on a broken heart or mask anger with a smile. The smile has to come from the inside or the intentions will fade. There is this cycle that women tend to follow as they blame others (especially) men for breaking their hearts.
ie. We fall in love with a man; the relationship ends badly. Depending on the reason for the break-up, many women struggle with clinical depression. But dress it up with make-up, a new dress and maybe even a "new" man. Especially if a "man" comes along with a temporary fix for her ego/self-esteem.

This pattern is so unhealthy. When women turn to God for healing and comfort; God answers with healing and comfort. Here's the challenge that I not only faced, but I over came and grew through it. The light of God had me shining inside out through my journey in the wilderness. The more men were attracted to me, the closer I clung to God! Men have asked me, "how do I maintain celibacy" with such a peaceful spirit? Some men have even challenged me to be lying! However, my mind was made up. In praying for healing and comfort, I prayed that God would not only prepare me to be a wife. But that God would prepare me to be a wife to the husband that God designed just for me and I for him. In order for this blessing to come as God intends; I have to follow instructions. When I wrote "Beloved" I was crying out for God to give me comfort; I DIDNOT feel loved. The only thing I heard the voice say was, "your husband will know you by your love for ME." As those words were whispering in my ear, I felt loving arms embrace me with such warmth; that I experienced tears of joy for the FIRST time ever in my life! As women, we can't just pray. We must be still and listen. The answer sounds or looks nothing like we know. We must remain open to experience "something different." For me; "something" different is experiencing a man's soul before I ever see his face or hear his voice. And THAT'S why it's so important to draw even closer to God if it even "feels" like him. Make him reach God if he wants to reach you! This will save you SO much heartache in the future. Because if he can't reach God, he's not the man for you.

I didn't completely understanding those instructions at that time. However in this time, I OVER-stand! To receive a love like never before; you must give love like never before. Unconditionally, not expecting, only wanting to give. Today, I am open and ready to finally receive love, the right way. God's way. Not afraid to try his heart with God or to take the matters of his soul to God. After all, I am the prize. I am Queen. I am love...................

Time out for "productions" and time for a "happening"!

In this season God is trying to correct his people. Many cry out about the lies and deceptions of this "nation" but those same "many" will only seek answers and instruction from the very people they cry out to God about. Had I not been introduced to that darn "willie lynch" letter as a teen, I wouldn't overstand the condition of my people today. Being most grateful to be born to a mother who was a thinker, demanded we use our critical thinking skills and would "de-brief" us every evening at dinner. Often times, I jokingly called her "family pow-wow's" cruel and unusual punishment! It didn't matter if the "pope" made the announcement or if the then "president" had given an address; we were to at all times do our own research before digesting what had been said. Process-Digest-Regurgitate information; is what my mother always instructed me to do. Of course, this made me the odd-ball as my actions and re-actions differed from most of my friends and family. I was always taught how to protect my own spirit; hear only "one" voice, the voice of God. Even though I didn't use her teachings in my youth, now that she's no longer here; her teachings have drawn my heart closer to God than ever before.
Looking at this generation, researching the foundation of the very negative and angry mind-set and their nature. One thing keeps pulling at my heart. If God's people don't turn away from "church" and turn inward to God; they're not only going to miss this blessed season of correction, their going to die, mind, body, soul or all of the aforementioned. Scripture quoter's make my flesh crawl quoting the "revelations" of the last days and what "pastor" said. Ask them what did God say to them about their concerns and some may even tell you that they can't reveal it to you until "pastor" gives them permission to. These great "church" productions have become your #1 facet of Sunday morning entertainment! There are more women in the "church" than men for a reason, and by design. When Jeremiah went before God as Israel had forsaken God; God's instructions were for Jeremiah to call for all the wailing (praying) women!
Jeremiah 9
:17 This is what the Lord Almighty says:
"Consider now! Call for the wailing women to come:
send for the most skillful of them.
:18Let them come quickly
and wail over us
till our eyes overflow with tears
and water streams from our eyelids.
Where are the praying women? Why does the enemy have possession of our children's minds? Why can't our men hear the voice of God in his sanctuary(his home)? The women are too busy preparing for the "churches" next "women's" only empowerment production weekend, that's where they are! "Pastor" hasn't given her permission to honor and obey her husband. The weekly Sunday morning "church" gatherings don't encourage the women to pray for too many other people outside of the government or the pastor and his crew. The shift will not wait for women to accept correction. The correction and change WILL evolve and the only "HAPPENING"  that's going to save this generation is the correction of the "womb". The only "HAPPENING" that will bring forth in it's fullness, the promises of God's revelations to man; is the elevation in love, unity and prayer of the WOMAN! The "black" nation cannot and will not rise any higher than it's woman.

Book excerpt (Chapter 2)

Chapter Two

Finding Tonya while I was in prison was truly a blessing.  That’s right, I went to prison.  I went from being a hot and in demand hairstylist to a prison convict.  Tonya helped me to make it through those seven years with more strength than I could conjure up without getting “high”.  We were re-connected through a mutual friend stumbled upon at one of her jazz sets.  Not surprised that I was in prison, Tonya with her shock therapy was talking about starting a family.  During our weekly lunch gatherings, she always expressed her desire to remain single and free.  Her motto was “When I eat, my family is fed”.  It seemed rather selfish to me, but who was I to judge?  Her letters helped me to understand her better.  We were into some of the same negative activities.  The only difference was I got caught and she didn’t.

While in college part-time, my career was as a hairstylist.  Tonya was a make-up artist.  We knew a lot of the same people traveling in the same circles.  The beauty salon was where you learned who was doing what in the streets.  Surprisingly, many people knew her name, but not much about her person.  She was just as mysterious in the classroom as she was in the streets.  I often teased her and called her the lone stranger, because she had a way of appearing from no place in particular and always alone.  We hung out at the 50 Yard Line club on the south side of Chicago every Sunday night.  We were the Cinderella hustlers always laying in the cut once the clock struck midnight watching the “High Rollers” fall in.  One Sunday, the ballers started piling in real deep and the atmosphere went from styling and profiling, to stifling hot and downright uncomfortable.

The dance floor was jammed to capacity like it always when the DJ started pinning “The Joneses”, a steppers anthem by the O’Jays.  Just as this mad cutie grabbed my hand to squeeze us on the dance floor, Tonya stood and demanded that we leave right that minute.  Tugging me away she whispered in my ear, “It’s too many enemies fallin’ through here let’s ghost” meaning let’s disappear.  Mumbling about her paranoia I followed her as she quickly made her way through the crowd not even checking to make sure that I was behind her.  Tonya had a way of smelling trouble like she was psychic or in the life herself.  Being that she appeared to be so spiritual and deep I could only speculate.  We skipped Sundays for a few months and just in time too.  Every other week, one of the hot spots in town was either getting robbed, sprayed with bullets or both.  One thing I do know for sure is that sister is just as messed up as I am.  Only she’s searching for a way out.

Dear Neicey,

I hope that all is well.  I apologize for missing my last visit, but I was in the hospital.  Girl, my eyes started rolling around in different directions, and I couldn’t see a thing for two weeks.  The doctors ran so many tests that my arms look like a pincushion.  When they prepped me for that MRI I was praying to Jesus.  The machine looked like a coffin and the sound reminded me of a steel mill.  I was scared they were going to cut my head open.

I had the weirdest dream while I was down.  Almost like God was talking to me Himself.  I could have sworn I heard a voice telling me that it was time for me to change.  Girlfriend, I almost ran up out of that place when I opened my eyes, and I was the only person in my room.  What’s even scarier is that the doctors still don’t know what’s wrong with me, or what caused the blindness.  My vision came back on its’ own.  On top of that, we just found out that my mother has cancer.  She started chemotherapy last week.  Now go figure.  Leave it to me to always have the mysterious and unnatural drama going on at the same time.  You know the person Ms. Jay called first? By the time I got to the hospital all of her doctors and nurses knew who her “rock” was.  My momma is a trip.  She gave the staff the blues about touching her.  She even called this morning to remind me to bring my make-up kit when I come today.  ‘Ms. Dark and Lovely’ needed her grooming before her visitors began to arrive.  I’m following her lead on this journey, because she’s a fighter.  No matter how many times I give her a reason to snap on me she knows I got her back.

Anyway, that’s where my head is at in the Windy City.  I’ll see you in a few weeks, and we can really catch up.

Stay strong,
Tonya

I wrote Tonya back on that kite the same day it came, because my girl sounded drained and scared.  Her people couldn’t distinguish her emotions.  Like it or not she was her mother’s clone.  Although she could never hide her feelings from me, somehow we could just feel each other.  That’s my girl for real.  Have no doubt.  She’s crazy, mysterious, and vindictive.  If she let’s you in, you’ll see her as downright vicious if you push her long and hard enough.  With all that she still had a good heart.  The big mystery was that she was slicker than a can of heated motor oil sitting on the ground in blistering August.  She literally made her moves right in front of you.  All you had to do was blink once and you missed it.

It was nothing for Tonya to tell me that we had lunch reservations at Houston’s on the Mile.  Before Pookie and Rae-Rae and Shanaynay took over it was a five-star dining experience.  Tonya taught me about food and restaurant critic ratings.  One time we were waiting to be seated.  Reservations were running twenty minutes behind schedule.  That was more than enough time for Tonya to forget that her name was Taylor Party.  I kid you not, the charge card that she used for dining read, “Taylor K. Party expiration date 7/87”.  When the table’s ready pager went off the hostess called her name.  I could barely contain myself as I nudged Tonya reminding that nut that she was Taylor Party.  “She must be deaf” I heard some of the guest whisper as we followed the hostess.  Using the nails of my index finger and thumb with discretion I pinched to hold Taylor by her forearm.  Barely moving my lips I told her if she got smart with one person my reaction was going to be G-H-E-T-T-O in the worse way.  It wasn’t the other guest’s fault that she forgot her alias.  She was just like Ms. Jay.  They both had personalities that reflected sit-com television sometimes even daffy.  They could go from naive to vicious never changing facial expressions.  Her game was tight though.  She didn’t steal identities.  She created them.

Just when I thought I was immune to her shock therapy she revealed another dimension of the notorious Tonya.  Honestly, I believe she intentionally used her writing classes to convince others that she was on the edge of insanity.  Why else would she write a poem about fighting the urge to die?

Tonya Holmes
Artist in Apprenticeship

The Candle in Your Heart

There’s a candle in your heart,

With it, from others you are separate,

Without it, you are lost in darkness,

With it, the wisdom of life is forever yours.

There’s no one alive, with your caring sensitivities,

We each have our faults in reality.

There is a time when life comes to you with a breeze.

Then when all of a sudden failure and disappointment,

Take your candle into its deepest freeze,

Remember,

Never let it die, that candle in your heart,

For if you do it will truly cause destruction,

Never let it die, it is only yours,

Only you can use or abuse its presence.

After hearing that poem, I was convinced that my girl was sucked into a black hole, and trying to find her way home.  It feels kind of deep being locked in a cell like an animal, and still being able to experience my friend’s mind while gaining a new  understanding of her issues that she thinks no one understands.

The first time I wrote to Tonya, I confessed to having a drug problem.  That little monkey danced my tail right into this jail cell, and ran away with the key.  Making the choice to use my own product was the beginning of my spiral decline.  My mind stayed so clouded by cocaine and grain alcohol.  I missed a few chapters in my life that ended up writing themselves without me.  I went from traveling every other weekend with Tonya, to getting high three days consecutively and sleeping for two.  My new client named Terri began booking herself last in my appointment book every Friday night; lingering behind as the clients and stylists made their exits; leaving us alone to have a little champagne with a couple of lines of cocaine to cap off the evening.

It was one of those warm spring evenings after a full day of rain.  The humidity level was so high that the salon looked like a ghost town in the desert.  Sisters very rarely keep their hair appointments when it rains.  Finding solace in the back office, translation taking a nod, I heard glass shattering in the front.  Assuming it was Terri, I headed to the door to see what she had broken this time.  That girl was as clumsy as clumsy could get, she was always tripping over her own two feet.  Reaching for the doorknob, I was thrust back by the force of four DEA agents storming through the salon like stick-up men.  Before I could regain my balance, two men flashing FBI badges and Terri!  They were crashing through my back door.  If I had a gun, Terri would have been dead on the spot.

Glaring like a pit bull, my entire body became flush with fever as I started having flashbacks about all the late nights Terri sat in here keeping me company while I cut up bricks.  Had she been in here the last time that Chico made a drop?   That won’t matter, because he always dropped with elaborate vases of flowers.  Did she plant any bugs in my home when she came to my last cocktail party?  Oh my God!  My mind screamed, as the video images of our previous gatherings began to replay themselves in my mind.

Before I knew it I turned and leaped into her direction successfully catching her powerful right hook with my jaw.  I regained consciousness in a jail cell, the MCC to be exact.  My saving grace was the fact that Chico and I weren’t due to connect until early the following week.  My safe only had two ounces and sentenced me for two years while the scales and cooking utensils added five.  This sealed me in for seven.  And seven years of federal time are just that, seven years.  I definitely strengthened my focus in prison.  There was nothing else to do but focus.  If you had any sense you kept your focus on a plan of action to keep you out, or to stay out of prison when your out date rolled around.  Thankfully my girl and I are both writers and enjoy communicating often.  It gave me something very positive and constructive to devote my energy to.

Dear Tonya,

I hope that everything is OK with your mom.  I remember how strong Ms. Jay is and I know she’ll be OK.  How’s your baby sister holding up?  I know it’s really hard on her with her being your mom’s baby and all, but you need to chill.  Stop being so hard on her, you helped to spoil that girl right along with Ms. Jay.  Being locked up really makes you think.  Right now I’m thinking about all the fun we used to have and how we had it going on.  I promise you this though; when I get out I’m gone hit ‘em hard.  I hate to admit that you were right.  But you were right; you can’t trust anybody in this game.  I’ll be home in one minute and back on my square.  I still get mad at myself for blaming you for being a bad influence when you were trying to school me.  Instead of being jealous I should have listened.

Stepping out of the pity party, I’ll have my Associates degree when I come home and I’m thinking about going to nursing school.  After sitting up in here for the past six years watching people from the outside stroll in and out, I’m definitely not going back into the hair game.  By the way, thanks for looking out, you’re the only person keeping me straight with commissary.  I may not be friends with the “girl” any more but I’m gone grind that monkey until I get back on my feet.  Stay strong,

Neicey

Dear Neicey,

I hope your spirits are feeling better today.  I could tell by your letter that you’re getting anxious.  That old adage “the idle mind is the devil’s playground” is more than just words.  Even though I’m the last person to try and preach, you need to change your thinking before you come home.  Things have changed so much these past few days that your thinking is sure to have you back in jail in less than six months after you’re released.  Sometimes our own selfish motives illuminate, “cause and affect”.  Your cause right now could even take you out of the game permanently.

I’m learning how to live better today.  I’m tired of always looking over my shoulder wondering when will be my turn to get caught up.  Today I’m trying to live positive and keeping my intentions pure and sincere.  My next lie could have me ending up as your roommate before you come home.  Girl have you seen the news?  It’s getting crazy.  If I see one more familiar face being arrested, I’m disappearing for a good minute.  Not to come down on you but you know the ending of the game.  Death or jail.  As your friend I’m asking you to ask yourself, are you using common sense?  You’re coming home with at least two years on paper (probation); if you get caught up again you might end up in prison for the rest of your life.

Tonya

How to Grow out of the Wilderness (book excerpt)

The man she thought was her fiance drove her to the doctor for her final examination after losing “Little Jay”. Derrick took her for lunch and a little talk when they left the doctor’s office. As they ate, he apologized for his lack of compassion and absence in the previous weeks. He told her that he had been dating one of her so-called friends and that he was sorry for hurting her. Derrick didn’t want her to hear it through the grapevine, so he told on himself. The truth was that he felt guilty as he watched Tonya suffer the loss of their child and her mother. He felt like crap when Tonya stood and threw her ice water in his face as she stormed out of the restaurant. He called after her as she walked out of the restaurant, leaving him talking to the back of her head as she walked away. He stood with tears in his eyes as he watched Tonya walk out of his life. She was determined not to allow another person to witness her having another melt down.Tonya walked from the restaurant to the church to pick up Malik. Crying all the way there, she was thinking of a way to leave the country. She chained smoked cigarettes until she smelled like a walking chimney. Entering the lower sanctuary of the church, she waited for the doorkeeper to call for Malik. Malik came running out to greet Tonya excited, and wanted to stay for bible study. Tonya, being exhausted mentally and physically; promised him that they would attend the following week, but Malik insisted. He demanded to stay; that was it and that was all. He walked away leaving Tonya talking to herself the same way she had just left Derrick standing alone in the restaurant. She sat down to gain her composure as she talked to the thin air that was beginning to choke her. As Tonya sat there she prayed for God to give her a sign. He didn’t just give her a sign; he gave her his promise.Where Tonya was sitting was in the first row of seats in the bible study class. Not only did bible study begin before she could leave, but there was a new Pastor. He and his wife came in like nothing Tonya had ever witnessed. They used computers, projection screens and were just as radical as Tonya. When the Pastor gave the scripture for the study that night, Tonya knew she was where she was supposed to be. (Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.)

No More

No more pretending that I'm not happy, when I really am.
No more pulling back from my many gifts, so that others won't feel intimidated.
No more allowing others to lessen the greatness in me, that God created.
No more pretending that, I don't see what I really see.
No more being pulled into energy cycles, that don't belong to me.
Never, did I go along to get along.
So, no more sitting in spaces; that I feel are wrong.
No more acceptance of passive aggressive, insulting criticism in the name of love.
No more allowing others to lessen the value of my gifts.
No more allowing my gifts in energy cycles, that don't belong to me.
No more acceptance of energy less than love, when the only energy I pour is love.
No more........................

Are you a Queen or are you a "Buzzard?"

In 1826 a Bro. named Alexander Dumas wrote in his memoirs that a man's mind is raised to the level of which the women that he associates with:
So if my sister lives her life thinking, drinking, sleeping, and laying just like a buzzard,
To what level of consciousness does this take my brother?
My brother can only see what I see, and that goes all the way down to my details,
But if my details are the details of a buzzard, then I the sister can only create a scavenger,
That's why just the other night my brother called you a buzzard.
He said like a thief in the night, you'll destroy a happy home,
When it boomerangs, you have the nerve to cry the woman scorned.
You'll take him away, and his game will grow stale,
and you'll be right back on the prowl,
That's why just the other night, my brother called you a buzzard.
I looked at my brother and said, "you know what",
every now and again my sister gets angry with me,
Because when she cries, I just can't blink an eye,
but tell me how do I sympathize with my sister,
when she cries over some other woman's man that she had,
Just the other night.
Even his baby's don't understand, why their daddy left,
Now their mother is mad, but she wanted me to feel bad,
Because now she's lying, in her own bed.
Wake up! just the other night, my brother called you a buzzard.
One day mother nature is going to call your body home,
So listen carefully:
the doctor just may tell you that your bottom must go,
Because you banged the walls away,
the oven God gave you to recreate,
YOU disrespect and YOU hate.
Do you even realize that this is tainted fruit you make?
GOD said, take it to the root, and destroy all the bad fruit,
WAKE UP!!! Just the other night my brother called you a buzzard,
He said he can't even bare to look at his TV screen, or casually walk down the street,
Why.....because he's looking at buzzards

Ordinary day

"ORDINARY DAY"

It was an ordinary day,
The sun was shinning brighter than ever before,
People were passing me by,
Smiling and laughing showing no cares at all,
When something felt strange,
All of a sudden the sky turned grey,
And then the voice; yes, there was a voice,
The voice said you must change,
I know from where you came,
I know your hidden shame,
Ex-prostitutes, ex-drug dealers and murders alike,
I know your hidden shame,
I know from where you came,
Your discarded un-loved babies, are now my planted seeds in the concrete of their ghettos,
Like the fertile soil of the promised land,
I will deliver them into My Kingdom,
Because the children are the flowers in the ghetto,
They are the stones that the builders have rejected,
And they will be the capstone,
See the Lord has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes,
He said that the children are the flowers in the ghetto,
And He spoke this to me,
On an ordinary day.

Free Spirit

I am who I am,

I am who I am meant to be,
I love who I am.
There are those that don’t’ know me,
And there are those who don’t want to know me,
I am the core, of whom they are afraid to see,
I am the one who’s not afraid to be me.
My spirit is free my spirit is bold,
When I am honest, people say that I’m cold.
Although I get lonely, because I am me,
It’s not my fault that my spirit can see.
Inside the tunnel lives the vision of truth.
My spirit invades my human vision so that I can see,
I’m considered strange because I am real.
I can’t be deceived although I pretend to be naive,
I often sit alone, accepting the essence of peace,
Allowing the spirit to send me stories in picture,
Allowing the peace to ease my mind;
Feeling the energy so gentle and kind.
Because I have accepted who I am meant to be,
My spirit is free, and that’s why I love me.

Chocolate Passion

Hidden in my secret desires,Are the flames of love,That have many flavors,Of chocolate.Inspires.Igniting flames of fire,Sending signals like live wires,To my brain,Setting my heart on fire.Caramel chocolate,Vanilla chocolate,Almond, mocha or dark berryChocolate.Something mystical about, This flavor,Mothing but sweetness,Do i savor.Through my passion,Got me baskin',In a glow of love,So i'm askin',What's more delightful?Teasin' me an eye-ful,Love so strong to die-for,Passion so sweet,I'm addicted,Makin' me weak,In this heat,I'm melting.Un-guarded,Invades while i'm dreamin',Twist and turn,Got me screamin'.It's a shame,How it takes me,Out of my mind,Got me burnin',How i love it.Chocolate so strong,Got me yearnin',It's a shame how it leaves me,With no shame,All this teasin'.Got me searchin',For my hot-spot,Scent so sweet,Found my courage.Through your soul,Im gonna show you,What was stolen,
I will restore you.When god made,The heavens and earth,He reached into the dirt,Sculpted and molded,The divine god, In his image.So sweet,I can't imagine,Any other flavor,Igniting my passion.So again i'm askin',What's more delightful,Than deep chocolate passion?!

Lost Love

We used to know each other well
The bond of love would always take away the pain
Even after the master came to take her to his bed
Her husband would hold her gently, as she cried the night away
She would always feel the humiliation in her mind
In her heart, the anger would die
Because her husband held her as she cried
We used to know each other well
Although we felt as though we lived in hell
We sang and danced as the master watched
Trying to figure out what we were so happy about
As he watched them take his sons to their new masters
He kept his back straight, as the tears burned his cheeks
Holding her back, to keep her from being the next to be beaten
She would sob so deeply, that her chest would throb
Holding her unborn, praying for her taken son, praying to God
We used to know each other well
Feeding each other, loving each other and always with a smile
After we were set free, there was an undeniable bond
If I had a home, we each had a home
If I had food, we each had food to eat
If I had a dollar, we each had fifty cents
As we thought times were getting better, we fell apart
We didn't kill rape or poison our young
If there was a secret, we didn't tell
When Mother got sick, her neighbor would look after her young
When Father couldn't find work, his brother would lend a hand
As if by some strange mystical power, we could feel each other's pain
Not understanding why, only knowing that God meant it to be
Later in years, sometime ago
We would have never watched another family being thrown into the streets
Our mind, body, and souls were not for sale
But, that's when we used to know each other well

The people we love are the ones that can hurt us the most!

For many African American women that I know; we grew up without our fathers. As Mother's day is approaching and I fight the urge to be sad. I realize how blessed I am. No; my mother is not here with me any longer but my Daddy is.
As a child; I drove my mother crazy looking for my Daddy. I've always had an investigative mind and would always seem to be able to track him down. It wasn't until I was about 11 or 12 years old that I could no longer find him. Then, I started checking the obituary section of the news papers to make sure he wasn't dead. I remember praying for God to keep him safe and even begging God to show me where to look. God never failed me in my requests either. For, I didn't have to look. We would be traveling in the car with my Mother and who would we see walking down the street or standing on the corner drinking from a brown paper bag; my DADDY! I would be so angry at him and my Mother. Him for being an addict and my Mother for speeding up so that I couldn't jump out the car to tell him about himself!
You see, I was always a Daddy's girl and was proud of it! It wasn't my intention to make my stepfathers feel unwanted but I had a Daddy and I wasn't calling nobody else Daddy but my own Daddy! hmmphf!
I'll never forget my 16th birthday. I stepped outside the side entrance of Kenwood high school to walk across the street to restaurant Sea Fruit for lunch and who do I see; standing off to the side looking all sheepish? My Daddy! I didn't know if I wanted to hug him or curse his a*** out for making me worry. It wasn't until my high school graduation that I finally told my mother; I was secretly spending time with him. I just didn't want anybody to call me stupid again for always looking for him. She was so angry; not because of me and my father's secret. But because I had given him a ticket to my high school graduation and her husband; my second step father announced he wasn't attending. Not if "that" n**** was coming; that is. And of course; me with my smart mouth, told him to stay his illiterate a*** at home then. sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh That outburst was the beginning of the dissension that he used to break me and my mother's bond. Only; my step father didn't know; I've never been one to give up on anything. Especially my parents; as crazy as they both were. I was their rock!
Well, here I am excited that my Daddy will be celebrating 19 years of sobriety this year. When my son was 5 years old; he sat next to me at my Daddy's college graduation from Roosevelt University. I was so proud of my Daddy on that day! It wasn't until my mother made her transition that I realized; God had answered my prayers. From the day that she took her last breath until the day she was buried; my Daddy catered to my every emotional need!
Today, he's helping me to overcome my abandonment issues. Sometimes I get angry because he treats me like I'm still a little girl. And most times; I overstand that it's the little girl in me that needed the attention and nurturing the most! His wife teases me and calls me his first wife so I'm gonna be nice this year. He and I will have dinner the Sunday before Mother's Day and he can pamper his wife on Mother's Day. But she already knows; Father's Day belongs to ME! LMBO! (I know; I'm a brat) But, thanks to my Daddy, I'm not afraid to love anymore. One thing I do know for sure; If I hadn't forgiven my father, I would have deprived my son of the great relationship that he and his grand father share!


"She prayed for God to heal her heart yet her heart would not release the anger and bitterness that held her mind captive in a state of darkness"................
Click the link and purchase your copy of.......... "How to Grow out of the Wilderness"

How to Grow out of the Wilderness (book excerpt)

The man she thought was her fiance drove her to the doctor for her final examination after losing “Little Jay”. Derrick took her for lunch and a little talk when they left the doctor’s office. As they ate, he apologized for his lack of compassion and absence in the previous weeks. He told her that he had been dating one of her so-called friends and that he was sorry for hurting her. Derrick didn’t want her to hear it through the grapevine, so he told on himself. The truth was that he felt guilty as he watched Tonya suffer the loss of their child and her mother. He felt like crap when Tonya stood and threw her ice water in his face as she stormed out of the restaurant. He called after her as she walked out of the restaurant, leaving him talking to the back of her head as she walked away. He stood with tears in his eyes as he watched Tonya walk out of his life. She was determined not to allow another person to witness her having another melt down.Tonya walked from the restaurant to the church to pick up Malik. Crying all the way there, she was thinking of a way to leave the country. She chained smoked cigarettes until she smelled like a walking chimney. Entering the lower sanctuary of the church, she waited for the doorkeeper to call for Malik. Malik came running out to greet Tonya excited, and wanted to stay for bible study. Tonya, being exhausted mentally and physically; promised him that they would attend the following week, but Malik insisted. He demanded to stay; that was it and that was all. He walked away leaving Tonya talking to herself the same way she had just left Derrick standing alone in the restaurant. She sat down to gain her composure as she talked to the thin air that was beginning to choke her. As Tonya sat there she prayed for God to give her a sign. He didn’t just give her a sign; he gave her his promise.Where Tonya was sitting was in the first row of seats in the bible study class. Not only did bible study begin before she could leave, but there was a new Pastor. He and his wife came in like nothing Tonya had ever witnessed. They used computers, projection screens and were just as radical as Tonya. When the Pastor gave the scripture for the study that night, Tonya knew she was where she was supposed to be. (Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.)

Do You Stop to Heal? (Taking it to the root)

Last night while working on the pre-production for my new CD; as much as I wanted to start on something else, my spirit wouldn't let me. As I was writing "How to Grow out of the Wilderness"; I was being delivered from so many of my issues that I would litterally fight with depression. Many people will ask, "how can you fight depression" and you say you're being delivered? Simple, Deliverence means that old wounds and past hurts will rise up and stare you square in the eye; just when you're feeling free of an issue or past hearbreak.

Unfortunately, when this happens people make the fatal mistake of saying, "the devil is a liar." I'm here to testify that "christians" give that punk satan more power than it can even handle. Why would God reveal a past hurt or heartbreak; just when you're growing out of a level in your "Wilderness"; unless the intention was for you to take that thing to the root and destroy it! You "MUST" stop to heal! That thing from the past sets us back because God wants us to humble ourselves; look at ourselves "HONESTLY", acknowledge to ourselves our accountabillity in that thing, and allow God to show you what must go and what can be revised.

A closed mind can't and won't learn, just like a hardened heart won't be healed until you, STOP TO HEAL.........

Do You Stop to Heal

Yesterday has come and gone but

You just can't let it go

Today is a brand new day

So you choose how it flows

Since tomorrow's not promised to anyone

I'm thankful for today

Intentions good or bad can

Be your greatest lesson

Consequences roll and

Can be your biggest blessing

See what you see the right way

And you choose how it grows 

Each day that you wake and you pray be

Thankful for all things

Each night as you pray before sleep be

Humbled soul and repenting

Since tomorrow's not promised to anyone

I'm thankful, living for today

Do you stop to feel the rain

Do you stop to feel the shame

Do stop to heal the pain

Or do you let it fester; boiling in your heart

Do you Stop to Heal?

Giving birth to my child was the most painful experience of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Many women will agree that natural child birth had them calling out for the death angel to come take them out of their misery. lol But when the spirit is birthing something new in you, all you have to call on is God. Sometimes, I believe that people have turned to drugs and alcohol or even prescription meds, just to ease the pain of spiritual birth. Being unaware of who you are makes it most uncomfortable when your purpose introduces itself.

 You see; your purpose will hunt you down even if you don't know your purpose. The mind of the flesh may not have a clue, but your spirit does. This is the reason the enemy works non-stop at keeping your ears disconnected from the speaking of your spirit. Without proper meditation the evolving process can be overwhelming. If we as sisters, can be honest with ourselves and each other, we will heal and rise above the distractions of past pain and hurt and evolve into our true QUEEN!


The key of course, is recognizing that yesterday has come and gone. With today being a new day, live in this day of new opportunities. The ones who hurt you yesterday only have power over your joy today; if you continue to hold on to their actions of yesterday. Which by the way; you can do nothing about because yesterday is dead and gone.




If we as women; stop to heal. We must lear to embrace the theory that love is not what you get but rather what you give. Give the old hurt to the trash bin and open yourselves up to a new a greater flow of love.